Unspoken Words: Father Fragments

A poem to my Father. Whom has always been in my life yet, I've always mourned

I've spent years writing letters 

to the father I needed you to be

sealing them in a bottle 

and letting the tide of my tears take them away 

I always wanted to be daddy's girl 

But instead, I settle for men calling me Babygirl 

You were the first to teach me 

that love can be distant

I built my identity around the gaps you left behind

learning to be whole from the pieces you never claimed

Simply wanted daddy daughters' dates

Left always looking for your cape

Instead, I find men who treat me as second place 

Roaming the streets 

In between sheets looking for love

The little girl in me just looking for kisses & hugs

I find myself trading 

Love for lust 

Hugs for hands

Real Laughs for fakes ones

Dates for late night calls

In all I just needed my Father

I take on your traits just in hopes you recognize this face 

Sometimes, I hear your voice in my own

I searched for pieces of me in your shadow

Hoping to find fragments of the relationship I desire

Leaving scars just to reminders of the pain 

Left to wonder -

When you look at me, 

what do you see 

the person you raised 

or the one you wanted me to be

I learn to wait 

Patiently waiting 

Patiently hating…

You

In your silence

taught me strength

But the kind that left cracks 

Left me - open - hoping

Where your echo still lingers

I replace it with fingers

I let niggas be late for dates 

Seeing I got good practice

Cuz for you I would wait 

And anticipate 

Like an unread letter

 Full of unspoken words

waiting patiently to be opened and heard

I got good at letting niggas be late

Treating me as second place

Cuz for you I would wait